Parenting 101

Where have all the fathers gone?

Photo by Natasha Ivanchikhina on Unsplash

There’s a great old song from The Kingston Trio titled, “Where have all the flowers gone?” My modernized culturally appropriate version now sounds like, “Where have all the fathers gone?” I’m not writing specifically here about how to be a better parent, or why school choice is an issue to consider. I’m not even trying to take away the powerful discipline of the “time out” - wait, yes I am because isolation facing a wall or being sent to their room with their books, games, etc. is not effective in course correcting for substandard behavior. Especially when you wrap a lack of immediate explanation on the “why” for the punishment with, “Just go to your room!” Nope, I’m not writing at all about any of that.

The ABC’s of the Problem

I am writing about the deconstruction of the family in today’s society. The easiest place to begin the conversation with the most notoriety currently is within our country’s public school system. Do you realize that under our current administration the Department of Education Secretary Miguel Cardona said in response to a conservative Parent’s Bill of Rights being considered, “I won’t sit idly when some try to attack our schools or privatize education” [my emphasis added]. Further, the Democratic Party of Illinois in mid-March unveiled what it called an unprecedented effort to endorse dozens of candidates in nonpartisan local school and library board races. It also plans to funnel nearly $300,000 into an advertising and organizing campaign surrounding those elections. That way they can outspend the parents who are trying to make sure their kids can both learn and survive at public school nowadays.

The Secretary concluded that, “Our students are as [emotionally] dysregulated as they ever have been in the last twenty years. The surgeon general reminded us that we’re in a youth mental health crisis, where one in three high school girls has considered suicide in the last three years,” Cardona told POLITICO. “I’m tired of folks looking to get political points by attacking vulnerable students, vulnerable communities and attacking our schools.” He added: “If we’re not standing up for our students, who will? I feel it’s time.”

Here’s a thought, Mr. Secretary. Instead of playing an instrument on the Marxist bandwagon decimating our schooling system, how about partnering with the parents - who are the actual legitimate authority figures in their own children’s lives - and focus on education necessary for adulting. You know, like reading, math, science, and critical thinking. I’m hearing horror stories these core competencies are now replaced with readings from Drag Queens in elementary schools, math still taught by teachers requiring their students to get up every 15 minutes to sharpen their pencil in the wall-mounted sharpener by the door, and critical race theory instead of critical thinking.

Why is anyone okay with the 2023 numbers showing the national average for math proficiency is 38% and 32% for reading?!?! That means those are the percentages of 8th-grade students who have achieved the recommended testing proficiency by the public school system. Wow. It’s no wonder responsible parents are calling for a change. The discussion on school choice shouldn’t be a call to arms against the plans of the government to raise our kids, but rather a clarion call to wake us all up to the stark reality that we are not preparing our kids for life outside the nest very well.

The Dream of the Two-Parent Home

Many families have no choice but to work and support themselves the best the can. If they aren’t working in the home, then the most realistic situation is sending children to school. I went to a public school K-12 as did most of the Gen-Xers I grew up with. And I remember learning about Civics, Economics, English, Math, History, and others. School wasn’t optional so I could learn to “express myself in different ways.” I couldn’t claim to be “triggered” by the early start times and get to go home. And I was paddled by the Assistant Principal in the elementary school a few times for doing outrageously inappropriate things which could have gotten me or someone else hurt or killed. And my parents never threatened to sue. In fact, my parents were grateful the school cared enough to discipline nonconforming actions out of me to help my development into a productive member of society. I’m grateful for all of that.

Nowadays, however, stories like the one my oldest recounted about his first day in Sociology class in a large-scale well-known university sounded like this. The teacher walked in the room, introduced herself, and proclaimed loudly she was “queer-proud” and that the lessons through the semester would help encourage “straight allies” to understand the way the LBGTQ+ community operated. And it played out that way the entire semester. Even when the students in the class were overtly laughing at the absurdity of the disconnectedness of the lesson to the actual prescribed syllabus. Maybe Secretary Cardona should sit in if he is so resolute the classroom is the best environment for raising children.

Getting back to the parenting…

Statistics can be found for anything, so let’s look at some of these facts when considering the impact of a single-family fatherless home. I am focusing on fatherless homes because almost every study reflects the lack of a father present in the home is the major deterrent to a child’s success:

85% of youth who are currently in prison grew up in a fatherless home. (Texas Department of Corrections)

7 out of every 10 youth that are housed in state-operated correctional facilities, including detention and residential treatment, come from a fatherless home. (U.S. Department of Justice)

39% of students in the United States, from the first grade to their senior year of high school, do not have a father at home. Children without a father are 4 times more likely to be living in poverty than children with a father. (National Public Radio)

24.7 million children in the United States live in a home where their biological father is not present. That equates to 1 in every 3 children in the United States not having access to their father. (National Public Radio)

Children who live in a single-parent home are more than 2 times more likely to commit suicide than children in a two-parent home. (The Lancet)

72% of Americans believe that a fatherless home is the most significant social problem and family problem that is facing their country. (National Center for Fathering)

75% of rapists are motivated by displaced anger that is associated with feelings of abandonment that involves their father. (U.S. Department of Justice)

Living in a fatherless home is a contributing factor to substance abuse, with children from such homes accounting for 75% of adolescent patients being treated in substance abuse centers. (U.S. Department of Justice)

90% of the youth in the United States who decide to run away from home, or become homeless for any reason, originally come from a fatherless home. (U.S. Department of Justice)

63% of youth suicides involve a child who was living in a fatherless home when they made their final decision. (U.S. Department of Justice)

Children who live in a single-parent or step-family home report less schoolwork monitoring, less social supervision, and lower educational expectations than children who come from two-parent homes. (American Sociological Review)

Even when poverty levels are equal, children who come from a two-parent home outperform children who come from a one-parent home. (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services)

Within the African-American/Black community, about 2.5 million fathers live with their children, while 1.7 million fathers are not living with them. (Huffington Post)

25% of children are the age of 18 are currently being raised without the presence of a father. Around 50% of single mothers have never married. 29% are divorced. Only 1 in 5 are either separated or widowed.

Over 30% of fatherless homes are classified as being food insecure, yet only 13% of homes will utilize the services of a food pantry. Over 30% of fatherless homes also spend more than half of their income on housing costs, which classifies the household as experiencing a severe housing burden. (U.S. Department of Agriculture)

In the United States, Mississippi has the highest number of fatherless homes, with 36% of households falling into the category. Louisiana comes in second at 34%, while Alabama is third at 31%. (U.S. Census Bureau)

Children who live in a fatherless home are 279% more likely to deal drugs or carry firearms for offensive purposes compared to children who live with their fathers. (Allen and Lo)

92% of the parents who are currently in prison in the United States are fathers. (Glaze and Maruschak)

43% of fathers do not see their role as something that is important to their personal identity. 54% of fathers in the U.S. say that parenting isn’t enjoyable all of the time. (Pew Research)

And we could go on and on.

Photo by Dino Januarsa on Unsplash

Putting Failure into Practice

On April 16, 2023, hundreds of teenagers stormed the streets of downtown Chicago, smashing car windows, attacking bystanders and sending panicked tourists running from the sound of gunfire. A local news affiliate reported,

"Where are their parents at? That's my question," a woman who identified as a Chicago native told Fox 32 as the unruly scene played out in downtown Chicago on Saturday night.

Fox 32 cameras captured video of teenagers crowding the streets and police seeking to restore order to the area.

"I understand kids having a good time, but this is simply bad parenting," the Chicago native witness told Fox 32. "We have to do better as parents. Our kids should not be out here."

Illinois State Senator Robert Peters justified the teens’ behavior claiming it was a mass protest against poverty and segregation.

Maybe the esteemed senator can explain to his constituents how the destruction of poverty, gun violence including a 6-year-old who was shot during the riotous behavior, and terrorizing people downtown draws empathy to how poor and segregated the teens are…Peters probably couldn’t see that happening though as I’m pretty sure he doesn’t get his mail anywhere near the downtown Chicago area.

Let’s keep the hayride going. Chicago’s Mayor Brandon Johnson condemned the behavior, focusing on how “unacceptable” the destruction of the city was, but then received appeared to reverse course in the same breath (as if he’d received a text from the DNC telling him he was off script) saying, “however, it’s not constructive to demonize youth who have otherwise been starved of opportunities in their own communities.”  Didn’t look like it was their own communities’ property they were destroying and their own communities’ people they were terrorizing, Mr. Puppet-Mayor. Nevertheless, getting back to the people who were victimized,

"Where are their parents at? That's my question," a woman who identified as a Chicago native told Fox 32 as the unruly scene played out in downtown Chicago on Saturday night

"I understand kids having a good time, but this is simply bad parenting," the Chicago native witness told Fox 32. "We have to do better as parents. Our kids should not be out here."

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Put Adulting into Action

This is truth!  Teenagers who get their definition of identity from their friends and not their parents are the ones who are rioting and destroying Chicago.

The truth is society just accepts a teen with problems as “expressing themselves” when, in fact, they are committing crimes and deserve punishment no less then you or me!  I teach in the police academy, and have worked in serious crime-ridden areas on patrol and here’s more truth about this thought…

People do what they want to do!  I have been blessed by citizens without anything to their name stop me to say thanks for the service. I’ve been invited into their well-maintained clean front yard and homes. I’ve seen kids who respect their parents because of discipline consistently and appropriately delivered. I’ve spoken with hundreds of police recruits who come from horrendous childhoods that decided they would be different and not defined by their station as a child but would rise above and contribute to making a difference.

I’m a better man for every one of these people!

Make a difference… volunteer at a library…. become a big brother or big sister… spend time at the boys and girls club helping out.

But don’t whip judgement from the cheap seats on the decrepit status of our educational system, the moral decline in society, or the shattered effect of a single-family home while doing nothing to help the problem. Remember, these are the adults one day who will be taking care of us! Investing in them creates the two-fold effect of maintaining a legacy of America’s greatness and the promise of appropriate elder care down the road. Make the right choice.

***A new opportunity to link arms in proclaiming truth is here! Click the link to listen and download the episodes of the Trust the Truth podcast with Jeff Daukas here, where conversations on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth are chased down!***

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Sergeant Daukas is committed to the principles of Courageous Leadership and is the lead instructor for the foundational principle of Courageous Nobility. You can listen to Jeff discuss this vital principle on a recent Courageous Leadership Podcast.  He has over 20 years in law-enforcement working through patrol, investigations, and special operations both at the line level and as a supervisor. Through the last 20 years, Jeff has embraced his passion instructing officers and civilians through the nobility of policing. He is a certified FranklinCovey Nobility of Policing instructor, as well as a certified instructor for the Blue Courage curriculum. Jeff holds a master’s degree in criminal justice with a focus on terrorism and homeland security and teaches in that discipline at the college level.  He is a graduate of the FBI-LEEDA Supervisor Leadership Institute program consistently implementing servant-leadership into training the next generation of law-enforcement professionals in both courageous leadership and followership.